Furthermore, when one of her friends learned about the man she so vehemently disliked she said, "He's my brother!" Then she no longer held resentment against him. In fact, she was able to look at him and "get" where he was coming from.
Once we have a glimpse into another person's life and how they have been conditioned to respond and be a certain way, we almost always soften and become compassionate. The hard heartedness we carried around with us whenever seeing that person disappears. The key is remembering this during those difficult moments with someone.
What we can also learn from Salzberg's story is that everyone has experiences that have shaped them into the person they are today. We aren't born malicious and inconsiderate. These are behaviors that we learn, often to protect ourselves. Unfortunately, many people do not let go of certain behaviors or patterns that they felt they needed at one point in their lives (and perhaps they did need them at one point in their lives).
The person you may dislike might behave in the way they do because they were physically abused, abandoned, are overcoming an addiction, they are grieving, they are lonely and afraid, they are being bullied by someone, and the list goes on and on and on.
If you spend a little bit of time reflecting on the people you dislike or find to be incredibly difficult you may come to the understanding that they are the way they are because of some suffering they experienced in their past. And the bottom line is, you don't have to know what that person has suffered. Just know this, they are acting negatively or unskillfully because of a conditioned response.
Salzbert writes: "This kind of understanding does not mean that we dismiss or condone a person's negative behavior. But we can look at all of the elements that go into making up that person's life, and can acknowledge their conditioned nature."
